Thursday, June 10, 2010

A sad post...

I am sorry, but I simply can blog about deals right now. I am going to post here what I posted on my family blog...it is not typically a post I would write for here, but the more I share..the better I begin to feel:

Grief is a funny thing. It comes and goes in wave like intensity. I am so very sad today. At one minute, I am ok...laughing even. Then it hits me all over again.

You see, today I had to do one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. You who arent pet owners probably wont understand...and you can just click the red X at the top corner...cause I am gonna go on and on...

Casey RIP

This was my first baby. She was my wedding gift from my future husband. Actually she started a long line of gifts that I picked out and bought myself :-) She was so very tiny back then. Just this black little fur ball that curled up in my closet and ate my shoes. She was there to expeereince life with me and grew up with me. I was only 20 when I got married and way young in too many ways. She and I learned together. She was there when all the times I went into labor and when I miscarried. Her head on me..staying by my side throughout.

She wasnt always perfect. She tore up carpet and shoes as a puppy. For nearly 10 years I fought a losing battle to keep her in our fenced in yard because she was agile enough to jump it. She barked too much, and honestly got WAY stressed when we left town and had accidents for the unfortunate family members who watched her for us.

But then again She accepted the kittens and puppies with no complaint. She never ever in a million years was agressive to anyone. She went from being our baby, to hardly any attention as we became parents. She took being ridden on, getting her eyes poked and tail pulled with out even a wimper. She was the gentlest dog I have ever known.

In the end she could no longer have her coveted space by our bed since she would fall down the stairs. She couldnt make it all night without an accident. She couldnt even hear us call her name. She dislocated her hip, and went into liver failure...twice. All in which she came back from. Now in a matter of months she has lost 30 percent of her body weight, and has developed some sort of heart murmur. Last night, we fed her and shee couldnt even keep it down. She was 17 years old.

We waited and waited for her to just go peacefully at home. This was no life for her anymore. It was the hardest decision that we have ever made and it totally breaks my heart, but she had no quality of life. Honestly we believe she wouldnt have survived us going out of town again...and we didnt want her to pass away alone.

She has been there for my whole adult life and my heart just hurts. I know that this is the choice that needed to be made, but selfishly I want her back. I wish that we could have kept her forever. How sad it is that our most loyal companions will always go before us?

I just keep seeing her face, and in my head I know that she is truly at rest now, but I miss her so very much. The kids? They are ok. Sad, but they are young and get distracted easily. I, however am a mess.

It is pure selfishness on my part. I realize this, but I cant help it. I take solace in the fact that we both were with her. She was scared, as she always was at the vet, but she had us there with her as she drifted off peacefully. I couldnt have asked for that to have been better. She will be in a place where the kids can visit her if they wish too, for closure. The only other loss that they have had is Tim's mom and they like to visit her gravesite.

Writing this is therapuetic for me. The grief comes in waves over me but I feel slightly better now. There is big hole in my heart for the place she had in it, I am angry and sad, and overwhelmed...but I know that the grief will ease as time passes.
Thanks for listening to me

4 comments:

Erin June 10, 2010 at 3:08 PM  

amy, i am so sorry for your loss... your post made tears roll down my cheeks!! i am not a dog owner, never have been (and probably never will be)... but it sounds like you had a very special friend, and it breaks my heart to think of someone hurting so much and losing a pet that was so close to them... she looks like she was a very sweet friend. :)

Lucy postpartumillness.com June 10, 2010 at 8:42 PM  

Im so sorry and I totally understand. We had to put our cat down after 15 years a months ago and it was awful and I miss him. Hugs..

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